Big MAC, Mc DLT, A Quarter Pounder with some cheese, Filet 'o Fish, a Hamburger, a Cheeseburger, a Happy Meal...

I turn 29 this year...almost three decades of life on this rockin' rock. While that feat is unbelievable in and of itself, what I am about to tell you is even more implausible and will leave you with a feeling of incredulity that you will struggle to accept for the next several years. I promise - you will be haunted with thoughts and wonders and concerns. You will wake up at the witching hour (3am by most clocks) with a cold empty feeling in your gut. ALL reminders of this very moment...

Up until April 9, 2007, I (JJB) had never once supped upon the odd feast that is a Big Mac, a delicacy I am sure so many of you have long consumed and shitted away without any thought. Well, kiddies...Monday was my introduction to this all-American delight, and it did not disappoint. It certainly didn't change my life or anything and it certainly did not divide my life into two distinct parts - life before the Big Mac and life after the Big Mac. Even though my near thirty years are still in tact, this was a big moment in my life...truly.

As a young lad, we had frequent trips to McDonald's and I found myself the proud recipient of many a Happy Meal, complete with a toy and the paltry pickin's of a small fry and some hamburger with weird onions on it. Wendy's finally told me what they were on a hateful television commercial years later...they were "reconstituted onion" - - - ew! So I just didn't eat McDonalds hamburgers...I would eat even grosser things like McNuggets or a Filet 'o Fish, but I would NOT eat their burgers...with the reconstituted onions. As a child and to a slightly lesser extent as an adult, I am not one to be entirely bold with my wants and needs. If my coffee is a little too cold, I pretend I am Goldilocks and decide that it's "just riiiiiiiiiiiiiight." If the meal that comes to the table is not entirely what I ordered, again...it looks like the feast that was set out for little baby bear...good enough for me. So when my mother suggested that I just ask for a burger without the yucky onions, I was a little nervous, but she encouraged me so I went for it and ordered a quarter pounder with cheese (I couldn't abide Happy Meals - I needed more food to maintain my roly poly physique) and none of those reconstituted onions. Well, my mom and our friends all got their orders lickity split and I just buzzed around the counter like a fly waiting for my little tray of trash and offal to appear so I could finally land and consume. I waited and waited...finally the tray was weighted down with some weird looking package...this wasn't the typical yellow paper that normally would crispily contain a quarter pounder...this was NOT right at all. My "special" burger was in some weird blue packaging and it wasn't fast food at all. It certainly did not have any onions on it, but it had about 20 pounds of guilt on it. I would NEVER try to be special again...and remember this was years before a certain other fast food giant would alleve our fears with "your way, right away at Burger King now!"

So years passed and I continued to avoid any kind of special treatment in the food world...though I started to send red wine back to be chilled if it was served too warm. I was starting to peek out of my shell a little. I mean, I've been in therapy for months...things are changing. In an effort to address some body image issues I was ordered to go and order a Big Mac at McDonalds...well this put me face-to-face with an even older issue. I had always avoided Big Macs because I didn't want to have to go through the special order process again. So I went to McDonalds about a month ago - full of shame. I just knew people were judging me, laughing at my fat ass going into McDonalds...I was so overwhelmed with fear and shame that I balked at the last minute and ordered a Grilled Chicken Meal instead...cuz they were lighter and wouldn't come with onions. My therapist was not impressed with my improvisations. I wanted cookies.

Flash forward to Monday of this week. Kids, I did it! Not only did I order a Big Mac with NO ONIONS but I ate and enjoyed every bit (yum yum!). Of course, no McDonalds meal would be complete without Diet Coke...ha! Remember though, this was but a moment in time, a mere homework assignment. I have since discovered Light Smoothies at Jamba Juice - much better! Moral?? I realized I need to be bolder, louder, messier - take up more space (not physically - heavens NO). So don't be surprised to see me one day, with a crisp blue wrapper in my hands. I am going to start special ordering life, with a side of satisfaction!